Thursday, October 3, 2013

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Top 100 Chuck Norris jokes and facts

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    * Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
     
    * If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
     
    * If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
     
    * Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
     
    * Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
     
    * MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
     
    * Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
     
    * What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
     
    * Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
     
    * The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
     
    * There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
     
    * Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
     
    * The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
     
    * Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
     
    * The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
     
    * Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
     
    * Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
     
    * When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
     
    * On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
     
    * Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
     
    * Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
     
    * Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
     
    * Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
     
    * It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
     
    * Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
     
    * It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
     
    * Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
     
    * That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
     
    * Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
     
    * Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
     
    * Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
     
    * Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
     
    * As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
     
    * Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
     
    * Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
     
    * Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
     
    * Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
     
    * It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
     
    * Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
     
    * Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
     
    * Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
     
    * When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
     
    * Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
     
    * "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
     
    * Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
     
    * Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
     
    * Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
     
    * Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
     
    * Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
     
    * When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
     
    * Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
     
    * Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
     
    * Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
     
    * Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

    *  Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
     
    * If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
     
    * In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
     
    * Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
     
    * Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
     
    * Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
     
    * The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
     
    * Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
     
    * Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
     
    * Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
     
    * The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
     
    * For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
     
    * Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
     
    * Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
     
    * Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
     
    * Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
     
    * Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
     
    * How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
     
    * The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
     
    * When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
     
    * If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
     
    * Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
     
    * Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
     
    * Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
     
    * The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
     
    * Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
     
    * The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
     
    * Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
     
    * Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
     
    * He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
     
    * The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
     
    * The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
     
    * Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
     
    * Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
     
    * Chuck Norris can taste lies.
     
    * Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
     
    * One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
     
    * Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
     
    * In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
     
    * Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
     
    * They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
     
    * Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
     
    * Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
     
    * 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
     
    * Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
     
    * The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
     
    * Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
     
    * With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
     
    * The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
     
    * chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
     
    * To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
     
    * There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
     
    * Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
     
    * If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?
     
    * 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.
     
    * Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.
     
    * The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
     
    * Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

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