* Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
* Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
* When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
* Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
* A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
* Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
* There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.
* Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
* Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
* Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
* Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
* Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
* Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
* Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
* Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
* The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
* Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
* If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
* Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
* The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
* Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
* The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
* Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
* Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
* The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
* Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
* Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
* There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
* A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
* It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
* Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
* Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
* Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
* Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
* Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
* Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
* The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
* Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
* Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
* Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
* Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
* Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
* Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
* 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
* Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
* When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
* According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
* Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
* In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
* Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
* When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
* Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.